You know they say the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, and that is what I feel like on Sundays.
No, it's not because I am some big sinner and am full of remorse or anything like that.
Quite the opposite actually in my case and I am sure that I am going to lose some people here, but what they heck.
I have a problem going there week after week and hearing how things are supposed to be. For me, it's pretty much common sense. I was born that way, it's just in me to be the way that "good Christians" are supposed to be.
It's always been a struggle for me too.
Growing up the way I did, I was always the outcast, the black sheep, the crazy one, the goody goody, the whatever.
That's what lead me to the church too. The fact that I had two choices, toxic relationships or no relationships. I prayed and prayed for an answer, everyone I met assumed that I went to church but after growing up in a family of religious martyr's that thought God was punishing us all the time, and being married into the good Catholic family and being exorcised by the crazy drunken religious zealots, there was no way in you know what I was going to go to church.
So I prayed and prayed and asked God to tell me where to go. I had no idea where to go, I just wanted to go somewhere that people believed the same things as I did. He told me to go to coc, well specifically TCOC, but since I don't live even remotely close to there anymore we will just assume that a substitute will be fine.
So I attended and I read the Bible. For me, reading the Bible was so refreshing, it was kind of like, see I knew I wasn't crazy after all. It was validation that I really was a good person and I was doing the right things. And of course, I got baptized (again). I had long ago realized that my original baptism was a sham and a nice little ceremony at best. So when I actually read about why I should get baptized, well I knew that I needed to and did it (probably one of the easiest "conversions" ever).
But other than that, I can't really say that I have gotten much out of church other than a whole lot of miserable feelings. Sure in the beginning it was great, having that weekly validation that I was not crazy always made me feel better.
Now all it does is make me feel like a freak again.
Part of it is because it is so natural for me to be this way, it's hard for me to understand why others struggle and have to make a real effort to be this way, especially if they have been in church their whole lives.
But I know a lot of that is because church like it is now is not like it was when they were growing up. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that not everyone understands or sees things the way I do, so I get frustrated. It's like the same message keeps getting repeated over and over again and that really just frustrates the crap out of me.
Another part of it is that I never really fit in at church. Yes I have met some really nice people along the way and one really good friend (well two if you count her husband)-but I met them on blogger not at church so I don't know if that really counts even though we did go to the same church. I am not going to get into all of the things that happened and efforts that were made to justify myself, it's enough to say that if I was my therapist, I would be more than ecstatic with the amount of effort and open-mindedness and patience and forgiveness and tolerance that I put into it.
That's the biggest problem for me. I don't fit in and well that just hurts. It hurts to see everyone around so happy and friendly and for some reason then there's just me. SOMETHING always gets in the way of me fitting in and have that "church family thing" that everyone talks about. It's actually laughable how many different "things" have gotten in the way, almost like someone was working darn hard to make it not happen. And then hearing about how that is the only way that it can be done and that you have to have that to succeed, well that really really makes me angry. My relationship with God does not hinge on how well I get along with a bunch of people that basically label themselves a certain way. He's not going to love me any less because "His people" don't. And not fitting in there, isn't going to make me love Him any less either. It just doesn't work that way, sorry.
Now I am almost to the point where I don't care anymore about church. Not the people, but the actual "church" idea. Part of it is do I really want to go through this again, because you know when you meet new people, they have this crazy tendency to assume lots of things and then you have to spend a lot of time justifying and clearing up things. Trust me, it took a LONG time to clear up the whole, my ex is sick-oh wait no I didn't leave him because he had cancer thing and I am still not sure if I cleared that one up! I could go on and on about well intentioned Christians, assuming that they know what I am talking about and being COMPLETELY wrong.
And no, for the record it is not a whole jaded, hurt too many times to trust people thing either. Really if you took the time to know, you would be telling me what a forest of olive branches I have just like said friend did just the other day when I told her I just hand out yet another one. But hey that's just another example of the whole assuming that you know my story and how I feel without actually asking the questions that people are guilty of on a daily basis, in church and just in life in general. The bottom line is that I am just not normal and if you assume that I am going to react in a manner similar to you, you will probably be wrong and I will get frustrated as usual.
Do I really want to invest all that time and effort into building new relationships at church? Especially when as I said before, something always seems to get in the way. It seems to me that in the grand scheme of things 6 7/8 days out of the week I am just fine and happy, but when I go to church I leave feeling like a big pile of crap and that I don't think that is how it's supposed to work. Especially since I don't have this particular problem anywhere else in my life, just at church.
I just don't know . . . all I know is that I was told to go and I hate going anymore and I hate the idea of becoming a martyr even more, and that is what I feel like I am becoming.
When you willingly go into something knowing that you are going to get hurt, you no longer have the right to call yourself a victim.
Hmmmmmmmmm.
